F1

F standing for: F Major

Please listen to a f-ew bars of music f-irst of all – the piece is so F-good (as you probably will realize immediately), that we actually have to use a capital F in order to do justice to its F-sublimity!

That was a short excerpt of the f-inale of Beethoven‘s 6th symphony in F (aka “Pastoral”), really outstanding from all the other music composed in F Major key as well!

F2

F standing for: F Minor

The minuscule f  might be considered as some kind of smaller brother of the capital F, however, the relationship between the f minor (btw, that was the opening of Tchaikosky‘s 4th symphony in f) and the F major key is not that close at all! (please notice that Major keys are labeled by upper case characters and minor keys by lower case characters)

Harmonically speaking, the more notes different keys have got in common the closer related they are – so, when playing an F major scale on a piano keyboard for example you have to push the exactly same keys like when playing a (natural) d minor scale, it is just the spot where you start from that makes the difference. And that, finally, makes F and d sharing their bed and board, our poor f has to stay outside – f-reaking, isn’t it?

psssst…there is no need to feel sorry for the allegedly lonely and abandoned  f – it has found its soul-mate in A flat…

F3

F standing for: Forte

“Musik wird oft nicht schön gefunden, weil sie stets mit Geräusch verbunden”, is a famous quote by the German 19th century poet and cartoonist Wilhelm Busch (“Music is often considered unpleasant, because it is always connected to noise”)…

When learning to read music one might be surprised to stumble upon a lot of letters as well, scattered over the pages of a musical score. Eventually, the student is told that the minuscule p stands for the Italian word “piano” (soft) and f stands for “forte” (loud). However, that is only half of the truth – “forte” translates first of all as “strong”! (This misconception leads to a very common misinterpretation later on, namely: ff standing for “f***ing forte [loud]“, fff for “f-reaking f***ing forte, and ffff for “f-orget everthing you think you know about f-reaking f***ing forte playing – I’m gonna blast your head off!”)

Hahaha, now I got you, admit it! You were expecting your speakers to shudder from a hell of a noise! Surprise, surprise… Anyway, this was from the finale of Sibelius‘ 5th symphony – and in order not to leave anyone disappointed behind, here the last (fff-loud) bars of the very same symphony:

F4

F standing for: Franz

There are myriads of f-composers, who definitely deserve being listed on a widely recognized site like this one! Sadly to say, by choosing a f-ew big names only I can’t help performing the unrewarding task of dropping so many of them …

F. Schubert (“Ungeduld” [Impatience] from the song cycle “Die schöne Müllerin“)

F. Liszt (Les Preludes, symphonic poem)

“Was anderes ist unser Leben, als eine Reihenfolge von Präludien zu jenem unbekannten Gesang, dessen erste und feierliche Note der Tod anstimmt?” F. Liszt
(” What else is our life than a sequence of preludes of that unknown song which first and solemn sounds are intoned by Death?”)

F. Zappa (don’t try to be a smart aleck: of course, k can substitute z whenever needed! No one wants to fuzz around, right…?)

“At St. Alphonzo‘s pancake breakfast
Where I stole the margarine
And wheedled on the bingo cards
In lieu of the latrine.”

However, there are very rare exceptional cases of F’s deputizing for Felix…

During my recent research, which I undertook for this post, I accidentally stumbled upon a truly impressing online-tutorial How to Compose a Musical Masterpiece: walking along the guidelines listed there we will find ourselves as close to the mystery of ingenuity as only a few have been before…

How to Compose a Musical Masterpiece

“Whether you are writing for a piano, full orchestra or, and this has really been done, a vacuum cleaner, music has to start somewhere. This is the idea. One of the worst things that can happen when you are in the mood for composing is a total lack of ideas. However, if after a few minutes you still draw a complete blank, some of these techniques might help.”

The Five Minute Keyboard Bash

“Make a recording of yourself playing the piano or keyboard. It doesn’t matter if you can’t play well; you’re not playing to an audience, you’re just messing around. Now listen to your recording. You’ll be surprised what you can find, some of the best ideas can turn up completely by accident.”

Make Up Some Rules

“If you don’t know where to begin, a useful jump-start to your creativity is to set yourself some kind of system to work by. Examples of this common practice in modern classical music include the 12 tone system where tunes or harmonies are created by using all of the twelve notes, but only once, and use of whole tone scales which eliminate semitones in the melody to give a most interesting sound.”

Make New Arrangements

“Take a melody, chord sequence or tiny fragment of music tucked away in one of your old compositions, or a new one that you feel has potential. Now try to move as far as possible away from the original concept and make it work as a new variation. For instance, if you originally wrote a slow, grim march, try arranging it as a quick, light waltz. Or a fugue. Or a children’s TV theme tune.”

Sing

“Yes – sing. In the shower, down the road, in the car, sing whatever comes to mind. If something very creative happens, sing it again, and over again. Sing it at work, learn to play it on an instrument if you can get to one… but don’t miss the chance to get a good idea through singing, humming or whistling. This is much like a portable version of the ‘Five Minute Keyboard Bash’, only this time, you really have to be on the ball, and know a good idea when you hear one.”

Don’t Resort to Plagiarism

“There is nothing worse than running out of ideas and so forming a song writing duo with your photocopier. You stand a good chance of getting away with it, there being lots of material to choose from. You could just lift a tune off an old abstract composer and hope that nobody will notice. But don’t. It’s not satisfying, and it won’t make you any better at composing.”

Now You’re on the Way

“From now on, you’re pretty much on your own. The initial idea is the hardest part, the rest tends to flow easily. But don’t stop at one idea, keep your composition interesting. A handy technique is to come back to a composition after a few hours of doing something else, when you’re not listening to it, looking at it or playing it. If you find yourself thinking ‘This sounds good’, then you’re on the right track. If you think ‘I don’t remember it sounding this generic’, or ‘Why do the chords sound strange to me now?’ then something, perhaps something minor, has gone wrong.

It is worth doing, because when you are working on a new composition you are going through it piece by piece and you can’t feel the music as a whole. If you take a break and come back and play it, it feels as if you are listening to it for the first time, just as your audience will be.

The rest is up to you. But keep working at it. Remember, if it sounds good to you, then there must be something good in there.”

It is time for me to conclude today’s short accomplishment – but, shhht! come here quietly and take a look at this solemn scenery from Mount Olympus: Apollo and the Muses gathering in the Eden of art and literature…

By the way, did you know, that there were more than ten thousands of books written about Wagner already before his death in 1883? So, tell me: what are some thousands, or be it even a million hits on some goofy YouTube video, where you can watch a half naked chick embarrassing herself publicly, compared to that? Peanuts! Ten thousand books at a time, when printing and publishing was virtually a big deal! It meant a hell of work and it was damned expensive, too. Wagner was an intrinsic superstar, no doubt about that – compare him to Michael Jackson: both ingenious musicians for sure, who changed the pace of music history, nevertheless, both highly controversial…

Maybe you have got problems with Jackson as well, anyway, there is nothing I could do about that – concerning Wagner on the other hand: I’m your man!

And… off we go!

1. He’s just too much of anything!

“It’s all so darned pathetic, so awfully German…” Oh my god, that was the wrong one… Sorry!  Yeah, much better already!

What, you never went to see one of his operas? They say, it’s a hell of a noise and, first of all, it’s far too long? That you have to sit there in an uncomfortable chair for hours and hours and mustn’t move or – heaven forbid! – clear your throat? Nonsense! And even if they were right: you get to the very experience that Einstein needed to travel for at the speed of light – time seems to stand still forever…!

“whatever you think - ǝʇısoddo ǝɥʇ ʞuıɥʇ”

Since there is abundance, obviously, why not embracing it? (No one expects you to march into Poland) Are you always that modest? Or finicky? I am not! Not at all! Richard! I need you, I need more of you!!

2. The plots of his operas are so weird

Come on, it’s all so crystal clear: Wotan, the chief of the northern gods, instructs the two giants Fasolt and Fafner to built a huge castle – Valhalla. They ask for Freia, Wotan’s wife’s sister, to be their reward. Since Loge, one of the gods, promises Wotan to get him (and Freia) out of that deal later, Wotan accepts the giants’ request – which naturally makes Fricka, Wotan’s wife, furious. At some point, the giants propose to exchange Freia to the Rhine gold, which Alberich, the head of the dark tribes living in caves deep down under the surface (aka the Nibelungs), had just stolen from the Rhinemaidens. Mime, Alberich’s brother, a blacksmith, forges a golden ring, which – since Alberich, having got trapped by Wotan and Loge, loads a curse on it – is going to cause all the troubles: the giant Fafner murders his brother Fasolt, then turns himself into a dragon guarding the gold treasure and the ring. Later on Siegfried, who is the son of the twins Siegmund and Sieglinde, which are the illegitimate children of Wotan, who needs to find someone to fight against Alberich, who on his turn tries to get hold of the ring, which later on will become Siegfried’s wedding present for Brunnhilde, who formerly was a Valkyrie – which are the daughters of Wotan, who actually had to abandon Brunnhilde, which will be left by her spouse as well, because he is is poisoned by a love potion, which Gunther, the half brother of Hagen, the son of Alberich, who – although having cursed love forever, what Wotan was warned about by Erda, the primordial mother, who in fact had had a short affair with Wotan as well, thus giving birth to Brunnhilde (who is the only one of the Valkyries whose mother is not Fricka)…. OMG, where am I now? Hello! Can anyone show me the exit? Helloo!!

Gimme a break! What kind of stuff was that? Let’s just start all over again:

Big Boss wants to show to off and in order to get his big business set he needs to agree to some rather delicate deals (amongst others, appointing his wife’s sister as a reward…). As soon the ball is set rolling, it’s getting more and more complicated to keep control over the establishment. Finally, Big Boss decides to better get his arse out of the mess, however, that’s not an easy task – the one who made the treaties (he himself) is naturally the one who has to play by their rules. So he engages other people to get the dirty job of breaching the contracts done – abandoning them as soon they are hired, he has them fight against his antagonists “on their own behalf”. Of course, that does not work out at all: as long Big Boss remains involved by whatever means (even by creating misery for his subordinates), there will be no way out of the vicious circle! He is about to give up and withdraws all his guys – when suddenly the unforeseen happens: Big Bosses favourite daughter resists her father’s mind, thus supporting one of the guys continue his primary mission. How dare she? Big Boss is furious – just to understand out of a sudden that his daughter’s stubbornness is the only possible solution! She stood up against him, consequently, she cannot be bound by any of her father’s treaties! Sadly, the father’s happiness is not meant to last: he has to punish her (unless he wants to fool himself just another time) by outcasting her for good and all. Needless to say, the girl completes the mission on her own, the father can rest in peace… So, if you are searching for the ultimate love scene in opera, here it is! The daughter defies her beloved father in order to serve his real intents, whereas the father is forced to outcast his beloved daughter – for the most ridiculous reason: she transformed exactly what he himself wanted most of all (but was not able to…). Now, you tell me, is the plot of the Ring cycle (that’s what have been told just now) really that weird or old-fashioned after all? Doesn’t it rather convey the most beautiful message of all: that of unconditional love – come what may!

3. His lyrics are just ridiculous

“Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-Roma-ma-ah! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!”

versus

“Weia! Waga! Woge, du Welle, walle zur Wiege! Wagala weia! Walala, weiala weia!” Which one sounds more “ridiculous”? Playing around with sounds, letters, syllables or words has been the name of the game for many years already – from pop to rap, from disco to hip-hop. Why then blaming the great ancestor for alleged infantility? Apart from that, one reason, why people underestimate Wagner’s poetic abilities, may be his vast use of alliterations – which, admittedly, sound a little bit strange to our ears nowadays. We were wondering, was it worth while worrying whether we wanted weird Walter withdraw… and so on. Now it’s your turn! Leave your alliteration as a comment at the bottom – and the best one will be rewarded with two tickets for my next Wagner-concert!

4. His heroines do not really turn me on!

Well, well, what shall we say about that? Let’s check them out…

You know what they say? Beauty lies within the eyes of the observer. Pace you, my dear reader – what I see is this:

5. Wagner was cheating on all of his friends and supporters – Jeez, this man was a true monster!

The is no argue about it, Wagner had his personal style of expressing gratitude to his supporters: not only once he ended up having an affair with his benefactor’s wife! Though, who knows, maybe there are husbands around, who feel proud about having their wives being the muse of a true genius man? He, who out outperforms the whole world, deserves to attain whatever might please him – and it is: my wife which he choses before all the others! What an honour! I am the husband of a woman, who obviously has the capacity to delight such a titanic figure! What? What the hell…? She wants a divorce? Sacrifice her life to HIM? How dare you…? Aaah, right, I see… I am entitled to be his first follower? Hmmm… what an honour! Yes, sure, Maestro, I am at you disposal! Whatever you need…! Me? Me conducting the world premiers of Tristan und Isolde? And Die Meistersinger von Nürnberg? (Damn it – I’d rather forget that bitch than missing any of these chances to get my share of eternal fame!)